Lonely
by sophiedoodle
Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay discuss what happened during Workforce.


Lonely

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

"Chakotay, what is the matter with you tonight?" Kathryn demanded after the third time in a row that he unexpectedly snapped at her over trivial matters. In the past seven years, she had never seen this side of him, and, quite frankly, she didn't care for it.

He stood up, pulling himself into his full height and glowering at her. "Nothing is the matter. I'm sorry my company isn't meeting your expectations this evening." His voice was hard. "Good night, _Captain_." He half-stomped towards the door of her quarters, his shoulders tight and his fists clenched at his sides.

Kathryn sat perfectly still on the couch, her mouth open in astonishment. For once in her life, she couldn't think of anything to say. She just watched him mutely.

When he had reached the door, he spun around and fired the question at her like an enemy shot with no warning. "Just answer me one thing, Kathryn," he spit out. "_Why_?" His face was a mask of anger, and she was not so gently reminded of the first time she had met him on her bridge, when she had stepped in-between him and Tom Paris.

"Why what?" she asked, even more perplexed than before.

Chakotay glared at her and the fire in his eyes only heightened her confusion and uneasiness.

"All these years, Kathryn, I've done what you wanted. I've waited for you. I've been your best friend, I've stayed by your side, I've kept my promise and haven't asked you for more than you felt you could give. We had an understanding. I thought you were doing the same, that we were struggling with this together. Until now—"

Kathryn stood up, beginning to get angry herself, and walked over to him, her hands unconsciously straying to her hips and her chin tilting upwards in that way that was so familiar.

"_What_ exactly are you talking about, Mister Chakotay?" Her voice was even but a tinge of the command tone had crept in.

"I'm talking about you! Down on that planet!" He was yelling, and she cringed without realizing it. "You and that man! After everything that we have meant to each other! You lose your memory of Voyager, beam down to that planet, and shack up with the first alien you meet on the surface!"

Kathryn's eyes flew open as his words hit her squarely in the chest. She sputtered for a moment before she could even form the words for a coherent response.

"Do you even hear what you're saying to me? Did you miss the 'lost my memory' part of that?" she demanded, slamming one fist into her other hand.

"No, I didn't," he countered. "And that's what makes it even worse! You didn't remember anything about your life here on Voyager. But at your core, you were still you. You were still Kathryn Janeway. You wanted what Kathryn Janeway wanted, you had her tastes, her feelings, her talents, her likes and dislikes. And, obviously, your most salient desire was to be with someone."

"And you find that surprising?"

"Yes, because if that desire is so strong, why are we still standing here like this? Why are we still tiptoeing around each other and our feelings?"

Kathryn closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Chakotay, we've been over this a million times. You know how I feel about you. And you know why we can't be together while Voyager is still in the Delta Quadrant. Why does it surprise you that my desire to be with you would manifest itself in that situation?"

"Because it wasn't me down there!" he shouted. "It was him!"

She buried her face in her hands. She felt a migraine working its way into her skull.

"Chakotay, I didn't know." Her words were soft, and she hoped to deflect some of his anger.

It didn't work. "You knew when you were with Kashyk. And Michael," he hissed. "Don't tell me there was anything wrong with your memory then."

Kathryn's temper flared. "No, there wasn't. But obviously there's something wrong with yours! Or have you forgotten Riley, Kellin, the 8472…need I go on?" She turned abruptly and strode over to the viewport, staring fixedly out at the stars and attempting to calm her breathing. He followed her and stood right behind her, so close that she could feel the heat radiating from his body. He was breathing heavily, and the sound somehow discomfited her.

"I was lonely," he said in a defeated voice.

"And you think that I'm not?" she countered.

He sighed, and they stood there without speaking for a while.

"What do you want from me, Chakotay?" she asked finally. He reached out a hand to her shoulder and spun her around.

"This," he murmured, and lowered his lips to hers.

**********

_Kathryn Janeway sprang upright in bed, stifling the cry that threatened to tear itself from her throat. Her heart felt like it was going to spring out of her chest, and tears and sweat mixed and rolled down her face. She didn't move for several long moments, trying to calm her breathing and her emotions. The dream had been so vivid that she was still trying to convince herself that none of it had been real. Finally, she eased herself off of the bed and pulled on her silk robe, tying the belt tightly around her waist. She splashed cold water on her face and attempted to restore some order to her hair. _

_Then she made her way next door to Chakotay's quarters. He was probably sleeping, but she knew he would forgive her intrusion. He answered the door almost immediately, looking as if he hadn't slept in days. And with the situation that had occurred on the planet, he probably hadn't._

"_Kathryn," he said. There was surprise in his voice but also pleasure. "Come in. Are you all right?" He moved aside and gestured for her to sit down. The kindness in his voice almost undid her, and she felt her throat constrict. _This_ was the real Chakotay, the one who loved her no matter what she did, who freely forgave her when she didn't deserve it. The one who loved her with everything in him and accepted that she wasn't free to love him in the same way. She sighed, playing with the tie on her bathrobe as she sat curled into the cushions of the couch._

"_Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Champagne?" His voice was gently teasing, and if she hadn't been so utterly nerve-wracked, she would have smiled. She shook her head gratefully so he sat down next to her, close but not too close, the way he always sat. When he looked at her questioningly, she found herself averting her head and staring at anything but him._

"_Kathryn." There was concern in the way he spoke her name this time, and she took a deep breath. He deserved more than this. He deserved for her to be honest. He deserved for her to be _brave_. _

_So much easier to do when she was on the bridge in full captain's regalia with a fleet of Borg cubes coming at her. She took another deep breath. She had to get it right this time. There wouldn't be another chance. And she never wanted to see that bitter, disillusioned man again—whether in person or in her dreams. _

_She turned her body to face his, then reached out and cradled his hands in hers. "I'm sorry, Chakotay," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry."_

"_I-I don't understand," he said, confused. He was gently stroking her fingers with his thumbs, the way he always did whenever they held hands._

"_About Quarra," she said. "About _Jaffen._" A look of understanding dawned on his face, accompanied by a small smile._

"_Kathryn, it's okay," he murmured. "You weren't yourself." How she loved this man. He always gave her the benefit of the doubt. He always saw whatever good was left in her, even when she felt it had all run out through her fingers._

"_And Kashyk?" she pressed. Her dark eyes flickered but just for a moment._

"_You did what you had to for the sake of the ship." For a moment she wanted to throttle him. How could he be so consistently forgiving? He should berate her, yell at her—no, she stopped herself, then he would be like the Chakotay in her dream._

"_I realized something about myself down there," she mused slowly._

"_Which was?" he encouraged._

"_I'm lonely," she said simply._

"_I can understand that," he answered._

"_Ever since…" she paused to take a calming breath, trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. "Ever since we got back from New Earth, I've felt…something missing. I never knew what it was like to love a man and be with him the way I was with you there. Yes, I was engaged to Mark, but it was…different. I was gone for weeks, months at a time. I was first and foremost a starship captain. But with you, down on that planet, I was first and foremost…myself. I never knew what it was like to share my life with someone in that way, and it…filled me." Her next words were barely a whisper. "That emptiness I never knew was there before has been with me since we came back. I hate it. Sometimes it makes me bitter. Sometimes it makes me angry with you without knowing why. And sometimes it makes me do _stupid_ things. Like Kashyk. And Michael. And Jaffen." She felt shame flare across her face as she named her flings one by one. Not one of them had meant even a fraction of what Chakotay meant to her. _

"_Kathryn," Chakotay said, slipping his hand under her chin and making her look at him, "It's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed." Was he reading her mind? "I've gotten lonely too. I've been stupid, too. Riley. Kellin. The 8472 woman. In the end, they never filled me the way you did. The way you do. Every day."_

"_Even though we can't be together now?" She grasped onto the hopefulness of his words._

"_Even though," he whispered gently._

"_Chakotay, I-" she started to choke out the words, but he stopped her with an upraised hand._

"_Don't, Kathryn," he said tenderly, and she saw that there were now tears in his eyes as well. "Don't say it until the day that we don't have to wait any longer to be together. The day we get home."_

"_The day we don't have to be lonely any more," she added._

_He reached over and hugged her tightly to him, murmuring his last words into her hair. "The day we _never_ have to be lonely ever again." _

_They held each other for a very long time, and when they finally pulled away, they were both smiling contentedly. Kathryn brushed her lips fleetingly against Chakotay's and headed back to her bed where she fell asleep almost at once and dreamed this time of the angry warrior who was the most gentle and peaceful man she had ever known._


End file.
